“Much more than a book for people in business. This is the Do You Want Work to Be Happier, perfect guide for anyone wanting to deepen the quality of their More Effective, and Less Stressful? conversation in any situation.” —IAN PEATEY, Partner at Telos Partners WO R D S T H AT WO R K I N BU S I N E S S D o you wish for more respectful work relationships? To move beyond gossip and power struggles to improved trust and productivity? If you’ve ever wished you could positively affect work relationships and company culture regardless of your position, Words That Work In Business offers a resounding “yes.” The key is a simple yet profound shift in how you think and talk. Former attorney-turned-mediator, Ike Lasater, offers practical tools matched with recognizable work scenarios to help anyone address the most common workplace relationship issues. Learn proven communication skills to: • Enjoy your workday more • Effectively handle difficult conversations • Reduce workplace conflict and stress • Improve individual and team productivity • Be more effective in meetings • Give and receive meaningful feedback “If you want to increase your enjoyment of the workplace and enliven meetings by connecting with yourself and others, I would highly recommend this book., Dean, Integrated Clarity ™ Educational Services, Elucity Network, Inc.
and author, Eat by Choice, Not by Habit Ike Lasater, J., MCP, is a former attorney and co-founder of Words That Work (www.us), a consulting and training firm helping organizations achieve results through better communication and collaboration. He has worked with individuals and organizations in the United States, Australia, Hungary, New Zealand, Pakistan, Poland, and Sri Lanka. He is a former board member for the Center for Nonviolent L A S AT E R Communication and the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California, as well as the co-founder of the Yoga Journal magazine. Based on the world-renowned Nonviolent Communication process.qxp:booklet 3/11/10 9:59 AM Page i Words That Work In Business A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace By Ike Lasater With Julie Stiles P.
Box 231129, Encinitas, CA 92023-1129 email@PuddleDancer.com For additional information: Center for Nonviolent Communication 5600 San Francisco Rd. NE Suite A, Albuquerque, NM 87109 Ph: 505-244-4041 • Fax: 505-247-0414 • Email: cnvc@cnvc.org • Website: www.org © 2010 PuddleDancer Press www.qxp:booklet 3/11/10 9:59 AM Page ii Words That Work In Business A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace ISBN: 978-1-892005-01-4 Copyright © 2010 Ike Lasater Author: Ike Lasater Editor: Kyra Freestar Indexer: Phyllis Linn Cover and Interior Design: Lightbourne, www.com Cover source photo: www.com A PuddleDancer Press book published by arrangement with CNVC. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a photographic recording, nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise copied for public or private use without the written permission of the publisher.
Requests for permission should be addressed to: PuddleDancer Press Permissions Dept. Box 231129 Encinitas, CA 92023-1129 Fax: 858-759-6967 email@PuddleDancer.com © 2010 PuddleDancer Press www.qxp:booklet 3/11/10 9:59 AM Page iii Endorsements of Words That Work In Business “What will organizations and systems look like when people within them feel empowered to be fully alive in their roles as leaders, followers, and citizens? Ike’s book can help take us to that new place. This is a journey our descendants will thank us for taking.” —KIT MILLER, Director, M. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence “Words That Work In Business offers refreshing, practical tools like ‘practice pauses,’ and relevant clear examples to confront age-old workplace issues like gossip, employment termination, and unproductive meetings that make your eyes roll back into your head.
Learn how to transform ‘enemy images’ into connected dialogue through self-empathy, silent empathy, out-loud honesty, and compassionate listening. If you want to increase your enjoyment of the workplace and enliven meetings by connecting with yourself and others, I would highly recommend this book., Dean, Integrated Clarity™ Educational Services, Elucity Network, Inc. and author, Eat by Choice, Not by Habit “Much more than a book for people in business. This is the perfect guide for anyone wanting to deepen the quality of their conversation in any situation.” —IAN PEATEY, CNVC certified trainer, Partner at Telos Partners, former Senior Manager at Pricewaterhouse Coopers “Finally!! A Nonviolent Communication (NVC) book especially directed toward workplaces that includes concrete, step-by- step examples of how to take care of yourself, be more present with others, and contribute to more productive meetings.” —TOWE WIDSTRAND, CNVC certified trainer © 2010 PuddleDancer Press www.qxp:booklet 3/11/10 9:59 AM Page iv “Ike’s book fills a huge void in resources available for applying NVC in a business environment.
Written with great clarity, including specific examples and simple practice exercises, I intend to provide it as a resource to my own clients. I recommend it to anyone who is looking for a starting place to bring NVC into the workplace.” —GREGG KENDRICK, CNVC certified trainer © 2010 PuddleDancer Press www.qxp:booklet 3/11/10 9:59 AM Page v Contents Preface. 3 A Few Notes Before We Begin. 7 CHAPTER 1 • How to Begin: Silent NVC Practices.
11 Becoming Aware of Blocking Connection. 12 Using Self-Empathy—Recognizing Your Triggers. 14 Using Silent Empathy—Understanding Your Co-workers. 18 CHAPTER 2 • The Learning Cycle: Celebrating Progress, Mourning Mistakes.
23 Celebrating and Mourning in NVC. 24 Putting the Learning Cycle Into Daily Practice. 28 CHAPTER 3 • Practice: Building Confidence and Competence. 33 Practicing Silent Skills.
33 Practicing Out Loud Skills. 34 Making Agreements to Practice NVC. 36 Taking the Time You Need. 46 CHAPTER 4 • Powerful Requests: Asking for What You Want.
49 Recognizing Typical Patterns in Unclear Requests. 49 Getting Clear on Making Clear Requests. 50 Helping Others Formulate Clear Requests. 63 •v• © 2010 PuddleDancer Press www.qxp:booklet 3/11/10 9:59 AM Page vi vi W ORDS T HAT W ORK I N B USINESS CHAPTER 5 • Suggestions for Addressing Common Workplace Communication Challenges.
65 Recognizing Enemy Images. 65 Handling Difficult Conversations. 72 Addressing Humor in the Workplace. 75 Challenging Prejudice in the Workplace.
80 Contributing to Effective Meetings. 84 Navigating Power Differentials. 88 Responding When Colleagues Complain. 89 Giving Feedback and Evaluations.
93 Sharing Common Work Areas. 99 Mediating Broken Agreements. 104 Transforming the End of Employment. 111 Appendices A: Training Wheels Sentence.
117 C: Feelings Versus Evaluations Masquerading as Feelings. 127 The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process. 132 Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have. 133 About Nonviolent Communication.
134 About PuddleDancer Press. 135 About the Center for Nonviolent Communication. 136 Trade Books From PuddleDancer Press. 137 About the Author.
138 © 2010 PuddleDancer Press www.qxp:booklet 3/11/10 9:59 AM Page 1 Preface Six Steps to Freedom first met Marshall Rosenberg, the developer of Nonviolent I Communication (NVC), at a workshop in May of 1996. We met for three days, twenty-five or so of us, for an introductory training. We covered the basics—Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. I was exhilarated; such a simple model that explained so much.
Many of us, including myself, were deeply touched during the workshop. On the evening of the second day, I was having dinner with Judith, my wife of twenty-four years, and our three children, ages nineteen, sixteen, and fourteen. In my enthusiasm, I remember telling them what I had learned, then, soon after, correcting someone who had tried to apply what I had just related. I said, in a sharp voice, “That’s not a feeling!” My reaction indicated to me how much there was to learn and how ingrained the patterns were that I wanted to replace.
Since then, the phrase “That’s not a feeling” has become my private NVC joke I tell on myself. In learning NVC, I found out how easy it was to take on a new rule set and apply it in the paradigm in which I already lived. I had been socialized into a way of being, first at my mother’s breast, and then in the rough-and-tumble of the shame-and-blame world of my peers. I had learned to adapt and, at times, to thrive in that paradigm and in the societal systems it pervades.
Years later when I reviewed my notes from that first workshop with Marshall, I chuckled to see how I had twisted his words into rules, like “Don’t say it this way .” and “You should say .” and so forth. I recount this history in part because it is what I do not want for you. I do not want you, in the celebration of discovery, to do what I found so easy—which was to foist my own sense of NVC on other people before I had worked it into my being. I know firsthand the suffering that can be created.
What I want for you is the following: if you find something useful in this book, for you to apply it in your own life before you try to interest anyone else in it. Make requests of yourself and others, not demands. Learn the difference. Feel the difference.
Learn to learn. This is what I still want most for myself—and thus also for you. •1• © 2010 PuddleDancer Press www.qxp:booklet 3/11/10 9:59 AM Page 2 2 W ORDS T HAT W ORK I N B USINESS I have found NVC is in part a way of remaking my perception of reality by how I think and speak about it, and is in part an approach, heavily dependent on the use of language, for mediating my interactions with others. Thus, NVC is not only about how I use language to communicate with myself (i., how I think) and with others (i., how I speak), but about how I filter my perception of the sensory inputs from the world inside and outside of me.
NVC has been very helpful for me as a tool, a strategy if you will, to live my values in the world. My emphasis here is on NVC being a strategy and not an end in and of itself. As you read about NVC in this book, you may form the impression that I am referring to an established and concrete “system. Instead, I offer my sense of NVC, that is, my interpretation of my experiences.
I encourage you to approach NVC as something to experiment with—not as a static thing, nor as a need in and of itself. Try out what I suggest, paying attention to your experiences as you do so. Learn what works for you. In this way, NVC will become a part of you, out of your self-discovered and self-appropriated learning.
To the extent possible, I intend the interpretations in this book to be my own. My interpretations are based on years of workshops with Marshall Rosenberg and many others, and on applying what I have learned in a variety of contexts: mediating innumerable disputes, coaching people in conflicts, facilitating workshops, and serving six years on the board of the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC). I have attempted to embody my understanding of NVC and apply it daily; in doing so, my presentation of NVC is altered from how it was presented to me. Consequently, in this writing, I make no claim that what I present as NVC corresponds with anyone else’s interpretation.
Julie Stiles has been intimately involved in the writing and editing process, such that her views of the world have inevitably found their way into this text. From my vantage point, this inevitable part of our collaboration has made this book not only possible, but immensely better than it would have been otherwise. Finally, I request your feedback regarding how we might improve this book in subsequent editions.