“A really excellent, thorough, practical, entertaining and inspiring guide to gener- ating great conversations with strangers, co-workers, friends, family, neighbours – anyone and everyone! It’s wonderfully helpful on the mysteries of everyday, easy small talk, as well as of the deeper, more personal, heartfelt human connections we want to create in our lives. There are lots of useful example scripts and opening lines, activities and experiments for all occasions – and there’s lots of encourage- ment along the way to take your conversational repertoire, your self-awareness, self-confidence and enjoyment in life to whole new levels.” Judith Lowe, PPD Learning Ltd, NLP Training Institute, London “Whether you need step-by-step instructions for conversation, or more advanced tips, there’s a part of this book that will suit you. Warm, intelligent and practical, at times Judy draws in seemingly unconnected skills and ideas, and then shows how much good conversation depends on unexpectedly varied things.” Christopher Miller, Founder, Investment Quotient “In The Art of Conversation, Judy invites us into the inner workings of conversa- tion. Melting the blocks that can prevent real connection, she shows how we can tune into the subtle nuances of the most simple to the more challenging con- versations in a way that enriches our relationships and lives.
A profound and delightful book that allows you to find and refine your conversational flow.” Clare Russell, your guide to living intuitively and Owner of Metalife Ltd “Over the last 15 years I have watched hundreds of people learn to speak in public through the Toastmasters organization. Many become good enough to be professional speakers, most at least master the art – once they realize it’s a conversation with the audience. But not everyone can master the unprepared conversation with strangers or friends. Learn to get it right with Judy’s help.” Jenny Cutler, Founder of Image Counts, Author and Toastmaster “The Art of Conversation does what it says on the cover.
It provides the tips and content that makes for great conversations in a world where conversations are worryingly on the decline. The level of detail and understanding of how a con- versation works is refreshing! This is definitely one for the recommendations list.” Jackee Holder, Coach, Author and Speaker “There’s much more to simple conversation than we might imagine, and Judy’s humor and relaxed style are reflected throughout, making this an engaging and entertaining read. I particularly love the pauses for reflection and Judy’s exquisite observations. I would recommend getting a copy of The Art of Conversation to discover its secrets for yourself!” Karen Moxom, Managing Director of The Association for NLP, Author of The NLP Professional and publisher of Rapport “Contains lots of great little stories which make the book a very easy read and, more than the stories, there is a lot of really practical advice on how to help your own communication stories so they become chronicles of success.
There is definitely something here for anyone wanting to lift their conversation skills to another level.” Paul Matthews, MD and Founder of People Alchemy Ltd and Author of Informal Learning at Work: How to Boost Performance in Tough Times “The skill to converse doesn’t come quite as naturally to people (anymore) as they might wish. In the digital world our conversations are often disjointed, and we spend more time alone in merely virtual relationships. Yet creating true connec- tions, one-to-one, is still a great source of happiness. Successful conversations make satisfying relationships and give us hope for human society.
Judy Apps’ The Art of Conversation provides enjoyable help for skilling up – or for checking on the skills we think we have.” Sabine Frank, Director, Platform for Intercultural Europe “This insightful book reveals the essential elements of powerful fluid conversa- tions. It is for you if you are in any way interested in improving your relationships and in making conversation an enjoyable art and intimate dance.” Steve Nobel, Author, Coach, Writer, ex-director Alternatives, London (2000-2012) “This insightful and beautifully-written book is quite simply a treasure trove. This book is practical but never boring. It shows how good conversation can be an enjoyable and life-enhancing skill.
It helped me to understand how conversation works, how to deal with difficult situations, and what to do to make it even better. Most importantly, it also gave me the motivation, enthusiasm and self- confidence to go out and practice.” Celia Morris MBA Chartered FCIPD, Training and Development Manager at Mott MacDonald “In The Art of Conversation Judy Apps delightfully engages us in a conversation about this most pervasive element of the human experience. Her book master- fully integrates principles of conscious communication into the dance of con- versation. In the process we get an abundance of practical insights and methods for becoming an excellent conversationalist across all spheres of life.
The writing is engaging, captivating, addressing nuance and subtlety with simultaneous sophistication and simplicity. I enthusiastically recommend this book to anyone dedicated to distinction as a communicator, and to coach and mentor others in that direction.” David Wolf, Ph., Founder and Director of Satvatove Institute School of Transformative Coaching and Author of Relationships That Work, The Power of Conscious Living THE ART OF CONVERSATION CHANGE YOUR LIFE WITH CONFIDENT COMMUNICATION Judy Apps © 2014 Judy Apps Registered office John Wiley and Sons Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ, United Kingdom For details of our global editorial offices, for customer services and for information about how to apply for permission to reuse the copyright material in this book please see our website at www. The right of the author to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. ISBN 978-0-857-08538-2 (hbk) ISBN 978-0-857-08539-9 (ebk) ISBN 978-0-857-08540-5 (ebk) Cover designed by Parent Design Set in 10/12.5 Rotis Sans Serif Std by Toppan Best-Set Premedia Limited Printed in Great Britain by TJ International Ltd, Padstow, Cornwall, UK CONTENTS Preface vii Acknowledgements ix Introduction 1 Part 1: Introducing Conversation 9 1. The Dance of Conversation 11 2. Connecting is What Matters Most 21 3.
Getting in the Right State 49 4. Getting a Conversation Going – The Basics 65 5. Listening 79 Part 2: The Power of Conversation 99 6. Different Kinds of Conversation 117 8.
Expressing Yourself 155 Part 3: Sailing Through Tricky Waters 171 9. What to Do If You’re Stuck 173 10. Oiling the Wheels 179 11. Spotting the Games People Play 187 13.
Confrontation 201 Part 4: Creative Conversations 213 15. Changing the World One Conversation at a Time 215 About the Author 225 Image Credits 227 Index 229 PREFACE There’s nothing more enjoyable than an afternoon with friends, just eating, drinking, chatting and having a good time. We were sitting there, reflecting on just how pleasant it was to talk with close friends and feel heard and understood, when someone remarked: “Some people just don’t get conversation, do they? I met an old friend the other day, and she talked to me for almost an hour while I just nodded and made encouraging noises. As she left, my friend said how lovely it was to chat to each other and how interesting the conversation had been.
I’d told her nothing at all!” We all recognized the scenario, and laughed. Our conversation turned to various conversational experiences; good, bad and often hilarious. Frank turned to me. “Someone should write a book about the art of conversation,” he said.
Here it is. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I’d like to thank everyone at Capstone, my commissioning editor Holly Bennion and Vicky Kinsman who believed in the project and guided it on its way, Jenny Ng, my wise and patient Develop- ment Editor, Production Editor Tessa Allen and all the marketing and sales teams. I’d also like to thank my supportive family and the good friends with whom I’ve discussed this huge topic over the years. I’m lucky to have you all in my life.
INTRODUCTION NORMAL AND EVERYDAY Conversation! It’s the most common thing in the world – so normal, so natural, so everywhere, so everyday. All over the globe, people are talking to each other. “It’s good to talk,” as the advert says. “Talking, talking happy talk,” to quote the song.
Seeing that we all do so much of it, surely we can all do con- versation? Humans talk to each other – we are essentially social beings; that’s what we do. I’m pretty sure the caveman had some way of communicating to his mate, “How does that fire-making thing work?” Many of us don’t think twice before we open our mouth to communicate – it’s the most spontaneous thing in the world. But how we talk, ah, that is the question. Most of us learned how to converse with other people haphazardly through copying the habits of our parents and carers.
Most of us didn’t learn the subtleties of conversation at school – at least, not formally! We never learned to appreciate the extraordinary potential of con- versation, nor how to do it well. The art of conversation is perhaps the most commonly neglected skill on the globe. If you do command the art of conversation when you are young, you have a tremendous advantage in life in all sorts of ways. The word “conversation” is a humble one.
A thesaurus offers a long list of more weighty and impressive words to express the idea of talking to each other. There’s discussion, exchange, dia- logue, discourse, parley, colloquy. You’ve probably seen books on persuasion, debate, tendering or selling. Governments engage in talks; national envoys handle negotiations; the media cover international summit conferences.
But the common ingredient of all these grander concepts is conversation – it’s the basic building block of our connection with each other. There aren’t many days – depending on your circumstances – that you don’t have several conversations! In fact, a day without any conversa- tion probably stands out as an unusual day – a lonely day even. THE KEY TO MANY DOORS So if conversation is the basis of human contact, the ability to converse well with people has a lot going for it.